Gordon
Part 1
Murray, May 2nd 1972
“Hey, friend. Leave me a message and maybe I’ll get back to you some day.”
“I did it, Gord. Gordo. You hear me? I did it. I got up and I said, ‘momma, I have to go’. And so I did. I went. And now I’m here in Buttfuck. In no place. Murray, actually. That’s where I am. I think. The map is kinda hard to read. Why is that, Gord? Ain’t maps supposed to be, you know, clear? Obvious and whatever?
Momma went apeshit, man. Just ape, she went. But I couldn’t stay there no more. Couldn’t let her keep doing that. It ain’t right I don’t think. She said she was gonna shoot Stevie if I left. But she won’t. She’s said that shit so many times it’s just like saying good morning now. Or good night, more like. If I don’t do what she wants she tells me she’s gonna shoot Stevie and make him into dogfood. Maybe that’s why they call it dogfood. She won’t hurt old Stevie though. He probably wants to be shot anyhow. All old and tired all the time poor guy. Momma don’t like it to be easy like that. I will miss him though, Gordo. Old Stevie. His red hair and all. Or fur maybe. Least I think it’s red. Yeah, that sounds right. Red fur. Stevie, right?
“You know I heard you last night, Gordo. Gordoni, ha. In my dream. Your voice was real funny-sounding. Like a-like when a big fat guy sucks all the wind outta one of them kiddy balloons. You know, the ones they give to little babies at birthday parties? I haven’t had a birthday party since I was six if you can believe it? Momma said big girls don’t eat cake. Said it makes you fat. I think I’ll get real fat now, Gord. Cakes and whole pizzas and all that shit, man. Who’s gonna stop me?
“Can’t rightly remember everything you said to me...in my dream, you know? But I remember a few words and how funny your voice sounded. ‘Come to me’, you said, right? I remember that part. Who could forget something-hang on, Gord. Gotta put more coins in the thing here...
“You know, I took momma’s purse when I left. Stole it actually. Can you believe she had eight-hundred dollars in there? Eight. Hundred, Gord! And we’ve been eating beans and--ugh!--I hate beans, Gordo. You should know that for when I get to you. When I make it. I will, you know? Make it, I mean. But don’t even think about no beans, man. One whiff of that shit and I’m gone. Just gone.
“Imagine what I could do with eight-hundred big ones, Gord? Only I don’t have to now. Imagine, I mean. Don’t have to imagine because that’s exactly what I’ve got. Maybe I’ll just save it though. In case something happens to the car. Something bad, you know? Need her to keep rolling all the way, Gord. The great Gordoni, ha. Or maybe I’ll spend it all--all eight-hundred buckeroonis--on cake and soda and-hold on...
“There’s a diner here, in this Murray place. Ain’t much else. I stopped in and had waffles but then I was still hungry so I had sausage and eggs. So good, Gord. You ever had that--waffles and sausage and eggs and syrup too? Wow. Wow wow, Gordo. The woman--the waitress, you know?--pretty sure she was a dyke. I can always tell, man. This one didn’t try nothing, thank Gord. But I just ate and then I paid and then I left. And I didn’t tip neither.
“The only thing here in Murray is the river. Or maybe that’s a stream. What’s the difference between a river and a stream, Gord? Huh. I think one’s bigger than the other. Yeah. That sounds right, doesn’t it, Gordo? Whatever. I went for a swim after the waffles and the, you know, everything else. My face was all sticky from the syrup. And my fingers. Don’t you hate that, man? Sticky fingers--ugh!--I don’t like that feeling. It’s like having a magnet tied to your hand. A magnet for all kinds of gross shit, all dirt and tissue paper. Gross. Then when the bugs find you! I don’t like to use public bathrooms though. So the only place is I could wash them was the river. Stream, sorry. It’s definitely a stream, Gord. Too small to be a river. I think.
“So I gets down there, you know, to the river and I had to crawl under some of those spiky bushes. The spiky ones with the spikes all over. Not roses, the other ones. Can’t remember. Momma grows roses in the yard. Nothing else though. No grass, no trees. Just these dang roses, Gord, growing right up outta the little patch of dirt by the door. Just these pretty red roses coming up outta the porch. Our little gray garden there. But so the bushes--I can’t remember what kind--had all these spikes and some of the spikes went in me and I was bleeding just a little bit when I got to the stream but it didn’t hurt all that bad except for when they went in but I kept going though because I could hear the water, you know, Gord, that sound that water makes before you can see it like someone’s shaking a jar full of pennies in the next room and it like sorta tickles your ears and your tummy or, you know--so I heard that all the way from the diner across the road where the dyke gave me the syrup that made my fingers all sticky and gross-feeling so as I needed to take a swim.
“It was real pretty, Gord. The stream, I mean. It’s hidden behind all the spiky bushes so when you get there and you turn around you don’t even know there’s a place on the other side. You can’t hear nothing from Murray there. Just the water and a couple birds making bird sounds. There’s cars going by on the other side but you can only see the roofs so they could be anything really. Anything flat and shiny. There’s this great big rock that’s half in the water and half on the, you know, the edge there. Is that a beach maybe? It’s not sandy like a beach but you could probably make sandcastles in the mud. Mudcastles, ha.
“When I got there, there was a guy chopping a tree. Swinging this big axe, he was, Gordo. The axe was almost as big as he was. And, ha, every time he threw it up over his head--to do another chop, you know?--it looked like it was the axe that was trying to fly away and the old guy--he was really old, this guy--he might just fly away. The axe might shoot him off to the sky. It didn’t though. He stayed on the ground. This guy was I think Mexican maybe. Or Colombia or one of those places, you know? He didn’t say much to me on account of being old I guess. I like old people. Are you old, Gordo? You didn’t sound old...in the-oh...
“Hello. Yeah, so--huh--yeah, so the old guy. I didn’t feel too scared taking my clothes off because what’s an old guy gonna do, Gord? Come on. It felt kinda good actually. Being naked outside. Momma was always watching me when I took a bath. Said I’d drown if she didn’t watch. That’s not a nice feeling though, Gord. Being watched like that. But outside it’s different. Outside it’s like natural and whatever. Even when there’s a creepy old Mexican dude staring and chopping it still feels good.
“The water was real cold, Gordo. But like a good cold. A clean cold, you know? I couldn’t hardly breathe when I got in. I thought momma was right for a second and I was gonna drown. But it was just the cold. Once my head was under the water it all felt right again.
“Underwater’s so groovy, man. It’s weird under there. Everything’s kinda slimy but clean at the same time. Nothing feels the way you think it’s gonna feel when you touch it. Like in a dream, Gord. You know all about dreams, huh? First thing I did was rub the syrup off my fingers. Got them all clean again. Water’s like a reset, you know? And then I held my breath as long as I could stand to hold it until everything started turning red and hot until I couldn’t feel the water no more like I was just floating there until the red started turning black and then I came up and breathed again.
“When I looked over at the little beach there the old Brazilian guy was sitting on the stump of the tree he’d just cut down. At first I thought he was, you know, hitting himself. Down there, Gord! That’s what I thought. Hitting himself or something like that. Or stabbing even. But so then I saw what he was really doing and I got kinda freaked out for a second because who wants to see that really? Some old guy doing that. Ugh! But then I did want to see it. It looked like it hurt. To do that to himself, you know? And I couldn’t understand why a person would want to hurt themself like that. He was looking at me the whole time. Like that was helping him not think about how much it hurt to do that. For like five whole minutes he was, you know, doing that, Gordo. Five freaking minutes! I wasn’t timing him or nothing though. I don’t have a watch. Maybe I could buy one with the eight-hundred though. Nah. So when the five minutes was up he started finally making this noise like he was letting all the pain out in one go. The pain from beating himself for five minutes straight. And then he stopped doing that and he started smiling and laughing and shaking kinda. Just real happy all of a sudden, Gord. Maybe it was the tree. It’s not easy to do that. To cut down a tree all by yourself. I think he was giving himself a reward for finishing, you know? A sorta weird reward. Then he finally walked over. He said something in Mexicanese or Brazilianese maybe. I don’t speak that kind but he was holding out his hand and sticking his tongue out at me and I understood what he was saying even though, like I said, I can’t speak that shit. He wanted me to taste it. So I did. I tasted it. Not sure why but I don’t feel like saying no no more, you know? I think it would have been OK if I said no to the Mexicanese guy. He probably just woulda went away and chopped another tree, I think. That’s why I did probably. It didn’t taste all that good anyway. Better than beans I guess. But nowhere near as good as syrup.
“I don’t have any coins left so I gotta go. It’s getting dark anyhow. Gonna sleep in the car, I think. The dyke lady said there’s a motel about a mile outta town but motels are gross. Besides, I like being able to see outside. It’s not too scary. Anyway, good--”
Megaland, May 8th 1972
“Never. Talk. On. The. Phone. They’re listening! Nah, seriously, though, leave a message.”
“Holy shit, Gordo! Holy moly. There’s a theme park this close to where I live and I never knew? What the frick, man? Momma never told us about this all those years we lived around here. We coulda been here in like three, four hours probably.
“Sorry I didn’t call much the last couple days. Or few maybe. I was just taking it real slow and steady all around the state. Something’s keeping me from just really going, you know? I was thinking about momma a lot for a couple days. How good it feels not to be worrying about, you know, all that. I sure do miss that dang dog though. Won’t lie to you. Poor Terry. Momma’s probably canned him by now I expect. Ain’t it weird to give animals human names? I don’t think they’d like that. You know, if they could understand what their names meant. Terry surely didn’t. He was a stupid boy really. Dopey as hell with his big floppy tongue and his white hair.
“Yesterday I drove all the way out to the ocean. Had to fill up on gas half way there but it was worth it. To see that. To look at the sea and see as far as you can see, see? See, ha. Sat there for hours, Gord. On the beach, you know? Building sandcastles and picking up all kinds of rocks and shit. Oh, get this, Gordo: there was a...not a whale but the other ones, the smaller ones...dolphin, yeah. That’s it, Gord. A dolphin. He was just out there real close to the shore. And he was doing tricks for us--those of us what was watching him do his tricks. Not tricks really. Just sorta jumping outta the water really. Wasn’t so good to be honest. Once he’d done that about three times everyone just sorta went back to what they was doing before. Still, pretty neat all things considered.
I’ve never been in the ocean before, Gord. Never been in any water. Other than the bathtub of course. No oceans. No rivers. No streams and whatever. Dry land can get kinda boring though. So one day I reckon I might take a nice long swim in the ocean. Maybe when I get to you, Gordoni. Gordolini, ha. That’d be pretty sweet, right?
“Megaland. That’s the theme park. It’s bigger than the state fair. I reckon. I seen that on TV one time. Bunch of kiddy rides really. Nothing too scary at all. I’ve been here since they opened the gates this morning but I ain’t been on any of the rides they got here yet. I’m not scared, you understand? I’m just waiting for the right time to ride. That’s all it is. I’ve got my eye on Big Brucie. That’s a rollercoaster. Not like a guy or anything like that. Although there’s a lot of those around here. Lotta dykes too. I expect. Big Brucie’s got this big loopy-loop in the middle. Just one. I’ve been watching it for about an hour. I’ve got the pattern now: first it goes up the hill, then it drops down the hill, then right into that loopy-loop and the, you know, the car thing looks like it’s not gonna make it because the loopy-loop’s so freaking big but then it does make it, Gord, it makes it all the way around and comes out slow and then it winds back around and starts climbing the hill again. And it does that like six or even seven times per ride. It’s two tokens for seven loopy-loops. That’s real good value, right? It cost like thirty bucks to get in but I still got about seven hundred left. I count it out every night in the car. Gotta make sure there’s no robbers around or nothing first. I’ve been finding good spots to hide the car anyway. Under a bridge for a couple nights. Then behind this pizza place where they let you buy just one slice. I bought like four slices but you don’t have to. So even if there’s robbers they won’t ever find me. I’m gonna make that money last forever, Gordo. Or at least until I get to you.
“There’s a hotdog stand near Big Brucie. Couple bucks for a good wiener. Not too bad. The guy’s pretty nice who runs the hotdog stand there. He gave me a bunch of quarters back for the payphone. That’s where I am right now. On the phone near the restrooms. You know that though, ha. About the phone part, not the restrooms. Wieners are pretty gross-looking, don’t you think? I seen a guy’s wiener one time. In the--ugh!--at school, you know? Some asshole in my gym glass--Aaron like Claus or Claws or something like that--ran into the girls’ locker room and started waving his wiener around so all us girls could see it. Stevie Hendricks started crying. She’s a girl by the way. I didn’t cry though because it wasn’t too bad honestly. It looked kinda sore actually. I feel bad for dudes. I get why they call it a wiener but I definitely didn’t want to put it anywhere near my mouth. Gross.
“There’s a voice that keeps saying things. Over the speakers, you know? And he sounds just like you sounded in my dream. Like that wah-wah kinda voice, ha. I can’t make out any of the words he’s saying but just the fact they’re playing his voice over the speakers makes you think it’s important and we’re all probably missing something we should really be hearing. Like what to do if there’s a fire. Or if one of the tigers gets out and eats a bunch of people. There’s tigers here by the way. Monkeys too. It’s a real zoo. The monkeys are boring as shit. They just sit there all the dang day picking bugs off each other and--ugh!--eating them. Eating the bugs, Gord. They get all those bananas for free but they’re happier eating critters. I like the tigers better. They’re scary-looking. Bet they don’t eat bugs or bananas. This dyke was feeding them these big...they looked like a horse’s legs or something like that. Like parts of a small horse. And she, the dyke, was throwing them through this hatch they got in the side of the, you know, the cage there. And the tigers were going apeshit, Gord. Just ape. Chewing on these big legs. Pretty scary all in all. So if one those guys, the tigers, got out and started chewing on people legs!--that’s one situation where I’d like to know what to do. Wouldn’t you, Gord? But then why is it that nobody can hear what this speaker voice is saying? It don’t make no sense really.
“Gotta run now, Gordoni. There’s someone waiting to use the payphone. Or maybe the restroom. They’re so close it’s hard to tell. Speak soon.”
“Alright, hey. It’s me again. So guess what? I did it, Gord. Big Brucie I mean. I rode that sucker. Twice! If you can believe that? Wow, Gordo! Just wow. Four loopy-loops. Scary as hell. Worth all three tokens if you ask me. Lost my wiener though--on that first loopy-loop. Flew right outta my hand. I think a bird caught it maybe because I never saw it hit the ground. A little kid was crying all the way around. Why would you take a baby on a rollercoaster, Gord? That’s just, you know, stupid really. Babies hate loopy-loops. That’s science and whatever. It’s not good for their brains. His momma didn’t even try to stop him crying neither. She held on to him real tight all the way though. That was nice. When a momma holds her baby without wanting nothing for it. Not minding if it cries.
The third loopy-loop was the best one. The first one was too much of a surprise. I had to close my eyes the first time around. Too scary. And the second time, once my eyes was open, the view was too good to really pay attention to the ride. I’ve never seen the sky like that before, Gord. It’s so big. Just a couple clouds up there today and then all blue. Looked like a painting. I seen them painting skies on the TV a couple times. Momma would put it on while she was out with her friends, you know? We’d just sit there looking at these people painting skies and horses and all what nots. Not very scary though. Not at all actually. But that third loopy-loop, man. Man was that scary! Really something with your eyes open. I knew what was coming the third time so I didn’t have to close my eyes and my tummy didn’t even flip-flop like the first two times. Because I knew how it was gonna feel now. And so I could enjoy it more. I think. Or maybe I was just happy about that bird eating my wiener.
After we all got off the ride the momma took her baby to the picnic benches and put her titty in its mouth and he started sucking on it and getting his milk, you know? But she wasn’t a dyke probably. I think that’s just what babies need or something: to suck on a titty. I don’t think my momma did that for us though, Gord. She used to tell us it made her bleed something terrible. And one time she tried to do it but it was all just blood coming out and we was drinking her blood more or less. Babies can’t drink blood, you know? They need titty milk.
“Megaland’s tight as hell, Gord. I think I could live here if it wasn’t like thirty-five bucks to get in every day. Plus they close at night too. So you’d have to maybe creep in and stay with the monkeys if you was to sleep over. Picking bugs all night? Gord, no. No, sir. I’m fine in the car thank you very much. Would be kinda cool to live at Megaland though. Eating wieners for breakfast and ice cream for dinner and watching mommas feed their babies titty milk all day. Pretty nice.
You know, Gord, I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m still coming there. To be with you. You’ll see. I’ve been having trouble with the map though. So I’m just sorta working it out as I go. None of the lines make any sense. Like it says Route whatever goes from Murray to Buttfuck but then you follow the line just like the map is telling you to do, to follow, and about half way there you come to a sorta split in the road and you have to make a choice which way to go but you can’t make the choice because the map didn’t say nothing about no road splits and so all you can really do is just pick a way and follow it. And sometimes you end up at Buttfuck but sometimes you end up at Megaland. That’s alright though. Yeah, I think that’s alright. I’m coming to you Gordon but I don’t know which way I’ll be going until I’ve gone. You see? Because how can you even know, Gord? You didn’t tell me nothing about no map or no splitting roads and nothing like that. Or maybe you did but if you did I can’t remember that part. And I don’t think you’d want me to remember neither. That’s not the point, right? Your silly-sounding voice though, Gordo, ha. Who could forget that? Saying all those things in my dream. Most of them I can’t remember but I know they were good things, you know? I can feel it even if I can’t remember it. Like my body knows it even when I don’t. There’s only one word that I need to remember though, Gordon.
“The hotdog stand guy--the wiener guy, you know?--he offered to buy me a wiener. At first I wasn’t sure what he meant. I thought maybe he was gonna ask me to do something scary. But he was real nice to me actually. Bought me a wiener and--with mustard and relish by the way...bought me that and then told me some stupid jokes that I can’t think of right now because I forgot already but I know they were funny because I’m smiling now just thinking about it. It was something like, ‘How do you know when a wiener’s happy?’ But I can’t remember the end part. You know, the funny part? But the question’s kinda funny by itself, don’t you think, Gordo? Like why would a wiener care if it’s happy or sad? That’s funny to think about: if things that aren’t people have feelings like people do. Like we do. The lions and the racoons in the zoo--do they have feelings? Does a loopy-loop have feelings? The hotdog stand guy gave me some water too. For free, you know? It didn’t taste like normal water though. They get it from the ocean maybe. But they must do something to take all the salt away. Because people can’t drink that. They can’t drink saltwater and they can’t drink blood. Alls they can drink is regular water and titty milk and beers and whatever. I’ve never been to the ocean but I bet it smells so good. And even if the salty water gets in your mouth I bet people are still happy to be there. Whenever the bathwater would get in my mouth I would be happy because it was clean. Momma wouldn’t let us be clean all the time. So it was sorta like a holiday to get in the bath and swallow some of the bathwater, you know?
“I think I’m gonna sleep outside tonight. Finally gonna do it. I think. Feels kinda scary but there’s nothing around here except for Megaworld. I reckon you could see Big Betty’s loopy-loops for miles. Gonna drive out into the country and see how far I can see them from, see? Put the car some place no-one can find it and then walk around until I find some place quiet. It’s so nice out at night. Cool and quiet. Just little critters making their sounds is all. Wow, Gord. Can you imagine that? Outside all night. Scary but also not very scary, you know? Like both at the same time. You don’t know that when you’re a baby. That things can be both at the same time. Like how blood can be milk. But I understand now. Things can be all kinds of things at the same time. Not just one or even two but lots. Many. Ain’t that neat, Gord?
“Anyhoo...I’m gonna save some of these quarters for next time. Spent another like forty bucks today. I think. Haven’t counted it out yet but I will. In the car later. Tomorrow I’ll look at the map again and try to work out the best way to get to you. To reach you, Gordo. The Great Gord-o-linio, ha. Right on, man.”
Merry, June 10th 1972
“Sit back, relax and leave me a sexy message, player.”
“Gordon--are you there? I really need to talk, man. Really need you, Gord. Something awful has happened. Just awful. I’m in-hold on...I’m in-this fucking map, man. I had to tape it back together and now I can’t even tell what state I’m looking at. Fuck, Gord. It looks like I’m near a town called Merry? Something like Merry or whatever the fuck. Maybe I should ask somebody. Everyone I’ve seen so far looks kinda weird though. I don’t think they get many out-of-towners here. They keep looking at me real funny. Like I’m an alien. Bunch of hillbillies and dykes probably. Just awful.
“I hit something. In the road. I don’t know what it was but when I pulled over there was blood all over the hood and also in the, you know, the front part. If the cops come I’m screwed. They’ll make me go back won’t they? Back to momma and bath time and all that shit, Gordo. I can’t though. Ain’t gonna work for me.
“Oh, Jesus, Gord! It’s still moving. I can see it in the road. There’s a payphone here for some reason and I can see whatever it is moving. Trying to get up maybe. Should I help it? What do I do? Poor thing. Didn’t see him, Gord. Honest. Just came outta nowhere. Or the woods maybe. There’s a lot of trees by the side of the road so that’s a woods right? Forest? What’s the difference?
It’s a deer. I think. Yep. Yep, big horns like a deer. Antlers. Oh no, his legs are all twisted wrong though. Oh no. Oh no, Gord. Oh, he’s in pain probably. There’s nobody else around to ask for help though.
“Maybe someone will come. The town--Merry maybe--isn’t too far. I shoulda stayed in Superland, Gord. Really. It was so good there. Hamburgers and the haunted house and whatever. Such a great place. I’ll always remember that day, Gordo. It’s been just awful ever since then. That’s why I haven’t called. So many problems to deal with, you know? The car wouldn’t start for a while. Like a week. Then some guy finally helped me get it going again but he charged me like a hundred bucks. And everything else.
“It’s not moving no more now. Maybe he’s asleep. You can tell it’s a boy deer because of the horns. Dyke deers don’t have those. That’s pretty scary. At least when boy deers fight the horns take most of the, you know, the damage. But what do we have--girl ones, I mean? Just our mouths and our hands really. Anyway he’s not moving now so I think it’s all over. Poor guy. There’s so much blood on the hood and the front part. The cops will get me for this won’t they? I’ve been using momma’s ID but the cops will know. They’ll really know. We look so alike me and momma. I think maybe that’s why she does it. Because we look so alike and she maybe just forgets we’re not the same person. Same hair. Same eyes. Same everything really. It would be less bad if she was just doing it to herself. If we really was the same person it would all be fine probably.
“The ID says momma’s name is Molly. But nobody ever called her that. At least not at the house. Maybe when she was with her friends they called her Molly. But Molly sounds nothing like momma. Not to me it don’t. I can’t think of her as a person with a name like Molly. Mollys ain’t like momma. The only Molly I know is Molly Royal from Sunday School. Every Sunday that dyke Mother Superior would pick Molly Royal to read from the bible. Nobody else ever got a turn reading. Just Molly Royal and sometimes her sister, Polly Royal. They was sisters but they had different daddies momma said. But their momma, Momma Royal, made them both use the same name because, momma said--my momma now; not Molly Royal’s momma, Momma Royal--everyone would think their family was something if they, Molly and Polly Royal, used different last names, but I can’t remember what the something word was or what it even meant really. Something bad though. That’s for dang sure. Momma wouldn’t have told us that if it wasn’t something bad.
“I’m gonna have to wash the car ain’t I? All that blood on the hood and the front part is gonna have to come off somehow or other. Ain’t nobody else gonna do it for me. That’s the only part I don’t like so far, about being on the road to you, Gordon. The part about having to do everything myself. Takes so much money to do things. And I get real tired now. Maybe that’s why we never did things with momma. That nine-hundred I had ain’t gonna last too long. I’ll say. Might have to get a job, Gord. To get to you, you know? There’s gas and pancakes and museums...too many things to do really. No matter which road you take there’s always something waiting. You can’t just go from where you are to where you’re going. That’s sad ain’t it? Scary and pretty sad.
“I keep thinking about my dream, Gordo. How you came to me. At least your voice did. I think about that every night before I go to sleep. Just after I’ve counted my money. I turn that round thing on the side of the seat and the seat goes back and I lay there in the seat and get real comfy, Gord, just real nice, and then I think about it--your voice in my dream--and I think about how it’s gonna be when I get to you and that makes me feel so good--down there, you know?--so I make sure nobody’s watching, no robbers or nothing, and then, well, you know, Gord. You know what I do. It was you what told me to do it after all. I’m so glad you came to me in my dream, Gordon. Things were so scary all the time before. Having to take a bath every night and all. I wish I could have brung Sally though. Don’t feel right about leaving her with momma. There just wasn’t time really. Momma was only gone for a few minutes. Just to see Mother Superior at the church. I waited for just the right time and when she was gone, Gord, I snatched her purse and the keys and I ran to the car and I didn’t even look back or say goodbye to Sally. She’s too much of a baby still. I can’t look after a baby. I don’t have titty milk yet or nothing. But I’m scared for her, for Sally, Gordo. I wish you’d go to her someday, in her dream like you did for me. Then maybe we’ll find each other again when we finally reach you.
“Anyway I really gotta get moving. The map says there’s a gas station on the other side of Merry. They might have a bucket and some water I can use to get all this blood off the hood and the front part. Bet even that costs money. Night, Gord.”
Lake Manny, July 4th 1972
“Yo, leave a goddamn message after the goddamn beep, motherfu--”
“Happy 4th, Gordo. I’m at a party. A party. It’s real loud here. There’s a bunch of guys drinking beer and some dykes as well. They’re drinking wine though.
“This place is beautiful, man. There’s a big wooden house on the shore and you can see the reflection in the water so it looks like there’s really two big wooden houses but there’s only one really. I was driving by and I heard the music playing from like a mile away. Rock and roll. I think. Better than church music that’s for sure. Real loud and heavy. I dig it. People keep saying that all the time here: ‘dig it’. I’m pretty sure it means something good so I’m saying it now. I dig the music and I dig the house and the lake’s pretty diggable too. Pretty far out. I love rock and roll, Gord.
“One of the dudes drinking beer helped me fix the front part of the car. You know, from when I hit that bear a while back. It was all sorta bent outta shape but the beer drinking dude helped me straighten it out.
“There’s a boat by the lake and I so wanna take it out. Boats are like magic. How they can just be on the water without sinking and all. Sally had this stupid toy boat and she would never get in the bath without it. This red and yellow plastic boat. Real dumb really. But Sally loved it. Momma would tell her to turn around in the bath and play with her boat while...you know?
“I wanna get in this boat and row all the way across the lake to the trees. That’s what I wanna do. I wish I could take the phone with me though. That’s the only problem. I wish I could take the phone and tell you all about the way it feels to be out there in this boat. Wouldn’t that be something, Gord? A phone you take anywhere. We’d always be talking. All day long. I’d tape the phone to my head so I wouldn’t have to hold it even. Bet somebody makes a thing like that some day. People are lazy enough to want that.
“This creepy wine-drinking dyke has been staring at me the whole time I’ve been talking to you, Gordo. Should I flip her the bird, you think? Ah shit, she’s coming over now...”
‘Hey. I’m Sarah.’
‘What do you want?’
‘Nothing. Just saying hi is all. You at FSU? What year?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Freshman, right? You got that look. That “I’m happy and terrified all at the same time” look. It gets easier, I promise.’
‘What do you want?’
‘You’re a funny one. I don’t want nothing, sweetie. Having a good time and thought I’d say hi.’
‘Hi.’
‘Hi. You gotta name?’
‘No.’
‘No? OK, I get it. Nice meeting--’
‘Molly.’
‘Hi, Molly. I’m Sarah.’
‘You said that already.’
“Hang on, Gordo.”
‘Who’s Gordo? Is that your boyfriend?’
‘No! Fuck off.’
‘Woah, easy, Molly. I’m just playing around. Didn’t mean nothing.’
‘I’m not a dyke.’
‘OK.’
‘I’m not a dyke, Sally.’
‘Sarah. And OK, I hear you. Not a dyke. You know that’s a pretty gnarly word though, right?’
‘No. I don’t know.’
‘How old are you?’
’Twenty…four.’
‘No you’re not. You’re not--’
‘Fuck off, please.’
‘Stop telling me to fuck off. I’m just talking to you. Jesus. This is a party, you know. It’s not a crime to talk to a pretty girl at a party.’
‘Who’s pretty?’
‘You’re pretty.’
“She’s saying I’m pretty, Gordo. The dyke I mean.”
‘I can hear you. Are you OK, Molly? Do you need me to call someone for you?’
‘I am calling someone.’
‘Right. Gordo?’
‘You know him too?’
‘Can’t say I do, no. Who is he?’
‘He came to me in a dream and told me to come to him and so I stole the car and twelve-hundred dollars and a map--I bought the map actually, at a gas station in a town called Moray--and I--’
‘Don’t tell me: PCP, right?’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s OK, it’s pretty big around campus. I’ve never done it but I hear it’s a blast. You have any more or?’
‘Any more what?’
‘Dust, Jesus. What’s with you?’
“I don’t know what she’s saying, Gordo. Maybe I should just go. It’s getting late and I need to count my money.”
‘No, don’t go. It’s OK, I have some reefer. It’s not very good but you can have some.’
‘What’s reefer?’
‘Pot.’
‘Ah-huh.’
‘Grass. Weed? What are you, twelve? It’s like a cigarette but it makes you, you know, feel good. I was gonna row that boat out into the middle of the lake and smoke one. You wanna?’
“Gotta go, Gordo. Love you.”
Mortville, July 20th 1972
“Time flies like an arrow. So leave a message, bitch.”
“I think I’m a dyke now, Gordo. Or a lesbian. That’s what you’re supposed to say so Sarah says. She made me go with her to some kinda class where they were talking about femism. A bunch of lesbians. I couldn’t hardly understand what they was saying. Were saying. Just how like men had ruined everything with wars and books and shit. Sarah really digs that stuff. I don’t really jive with it though. It’s not that they’re wrong. Wars are dumb as hell and girls don’t start wars. But girls do other stuff. Bad stuff. Maybe everyone’s just bad and the femists know that but it’s school so you have to learn about something so might as well learn about that. I prefer Sunday School honestly. At least Momma Royal brings taffy.
“That night on the lake was nice, Gord. Real nice actually. Sarah rowed it all the way out to the middle where there was no-one else and you could hardly hear the music at all. Which was a shame because the music was really groovy. But once we was-were out there the moon was-were so bright and shining off the lake like there was two moons and I stared into the water and for a second I couldn’t tell if the sky was up or down.
“We smoked something called a joint, Gord. A cigarette but with some other kind of thing in there--a plant, Sarah says. It smelled like toilets. I told that to Sarah and she said that’s because it was bad shit and I didn’t understand at first but after we’d smoked it a couple times we didn’t really feel any different and so I think that’s why it was bad.
“We stayed out there all night. Talking mostly. Sarah talks about all kinds of boring things like femism and wine and books. But she also talks about cool stuff like money and ice cream and...well, that’s it actually. But that’s pretty good. Enough really. You can talk about one thing for hours with the right person. Specially when you smoke a pot.
“Sarah had a girlfriend for like two whole years. They were going steady she said. Which I think means they were married and whatever. But two lesbians can’t be married to each other Sarah says. And that seems wrong. Why shouldn’t two lesbians be able to get married, Gordo? Or two queers or two dogs if they both want to. Married is a nice thing to be. Momma wasn’t never hardly married and look what happened there. The femists said it’s wrong too--that two whatevers can’t be married, you know?--so I think that means I’m a femist. Even though I don’t want to go to their boring classes. Greta was Sarah’s girlfriend’s name. Which sounds like some kind of cheese honestly. Sarah laughed when I said that about Greta sounding like a cheese, you know? Felt kinda nice to make her laugh. She didn’t make me laugh too much but I could tell she was trying and that’s what counts most.
“Greta was from some place in the world. Swissland or Danish maybe. Somewhere up there. But she could still speak like us--like regular folk--so they could talk to each other all the time, Sarah and Greta.
“Sarah showed me a picture of Greta. A photograph, you know? She carried it in her shoe if you can believe it, Gord? A photograph in her shoe. But when I asked her why she did that--why she keeps that there--she didn’t know. She said there’s just no room in her pocket for photographs of people like Greta. And then she was real sad for like five whole minutes but she said it was just the weeds. I didn’t feel too sad though so it can’t have been that.
“Greta went back to Danish, Sarah said, but she asked Sarah to go with her but Sarah couldn’t go because of her femism classes and also she works at the library a couple days a week to pay for her femism classes and also, you know, all the weeds she smokes. And that’s cool. It’s cool to have a job. I think. I’d kinda like to have a job someday. Not sure where but somewhere, you know? Somewhere inside but where you can see outside so when you get tired of being inside you can still look outside and remember that, in just a couple hours, you’ll be allowed to go outside again and do cool outside stuff like parties and smoking on boats in the middle of a great big lake while two moons are fighting in the water to be the moon.
“I sure am sleepy now, Gordo. Sarah had to go see her family tonight. Her daddy’s pretty sick she said. There’s something wrong with his tummy and he had to go to the hospital for a few days but Sarah reckons he’ll be right as light soon enough. Although every time she talks to him on the phone she ends up crying like he’s probably not gonna right as light. He’ll die. I think. He’ll die and then Sarah will be sad for a while. But that’s OK because I’ll just keep making her laugh and we’ll keep rowing boats out on lakes and smoking weeds and everything will be A-OK, Gord. Gordonski, ha.
“I’m too sleepy now, Gord. I’ll call you.”
McHarry’s Truck Stop, July 31st 1972
“Everything’s A-OK. So listen for the beep and then you may speak. Peace.”
‘Just wait a sec, Sarah. I need to speak to Gordo.’
‘He never even answers Come on, we’ll never get there if we keep stopping.’
“Don’t listen to her, Gord. I always got time for you.”
‘Have time. Jesus, you’re really in college?’
“Have time, Sarah says.”
‘If you’re gonna do that I gotta use the restroom, OK.’
“Sarah’s gone number one, Gord. We can talk now. We’re heading to a music festival. But not like at church. This one’s gonna be good, Sarah says. She’s been playing me all her music. Records she calls them. They’re pretty good I guess. There’s pictures of dudes--the bands, you know?--on the covers and they all look like lesbians. Sarah says they’re rockers but I don’t know. Mother Superior called herself a rocker and none of these lesbian dudes look like her.
“The festival is down by the ocean. You believe that, Gord? The ocean! I’ve always wanted to see the water. I think that’s maybe what you showed me in my dream. When you said ‘Come to me’ you also showed me the ocean. Or the sea if that’s a different thing? I don’t know why you showed me that, Gord. Because now I can’t stop thinking about it. All I can see when I close my eyes is this funny little boat floating on the water and I’m inside it but I can see myself from the outside because I guess I’m maybe in another boat or whatever and Sarah’s not there but I’m not sad about it because it’s not that scary really. It’s not too scary to be by yourself. I thought it would be but I don’t feel scared, Gordo, because I know you’re guiding me. Even when we got lost--Sarah and me, you know?--trying to find the guy who sells the pots to Sarah...even then I wasn’t too scared, Gord, because I knew you wanted it that way. Knew I couldn’t go no place--any place, you know?--without it being A-OK with you. So I’m not gonna worry about it no or any more. Whatever the map says that’s where I’ll go. We’ll go. Sarah and me. Although she has to go to her femism classes sometimes so maybe we’ll just go where the map says on weekends.
“Where is she? Must be going number two actually. I don’t think she would tell me if she was doing that. Momma made us always tell her when we was or were going number twos. Said we’d drown in the toilet if she didn’t know and also watch sometimes. You probably could drown in a toilet but I don’t think we would have. Not even Sally.”
‘You’re stilling on the phone? Damn, you talk more than Dr. Marie.’
“That’s Sarah’s femism teacher, Gord. Dr. Marie. Definitely a lesbian.”
‘She’s married, actually. They have like eight kids. Her daughter, Maria, is in my class. Sits right at the front. It’s so disgusting.’
‘Why? That’s a nice thing to do.’
‘It’s nepotism, man.’
“It’s neptism, Gordo. You believe that?”
‘Alright, come on now. We’ll miss Mary Fade’s set if we don’t go now. Say goodbye to you boyfriend.’
‘He’s not my--’
‘Give me that. Bye, Gordo. This is Sarah by the way. We love you.’
‘Stop!’
Murrysville, August 3rd 1972
“Silence is golden. BEEP.”
“Wait til you hear about this, Gordo. You’re gonna shit a brick, daddy-o! We’re on the freaking road, man. The road, you believe that? I mean we’ve been on the road all this time but not like this. Now we’re on the road. With Mary Fade. She’s a singer. We saw her set--that’s what they call it when they play somewhere, you know?--at the festival and then Sarah said let’s sneak backstage so we sneaked backstage and we almost got caught by security but Mary Fade said it was A-OK, Gord, and so we stayed there a while and everybody was drinking beers and wine and smoking pot--good shit this time--and boy was it groovy, Gordo. What a swell time we had there. Mary Fade said we should tag along on their tour bus for a while. Sarah’s feminism--it’s feminism, not femism--classes are finished for a while so we’ve decided to just hang out on the bus. Yesterday we were some place called Raymond and today we’re heading to--“
‘Hey, Mary, where we heading again?’
“She says Monty Ray or whatever. Don’t worry though, Gord. I know what you’re probably thinking probably. I didn’t forget. I can’t forget. This is just a--hmm--there’s a word that means what I’m trying to say but I can’t remember it. It’ll come back. They always do. Words I mean. Words always come back eventually.
“Hey, Gordo, listen--I’m only whispering by the way because I don’t want Mary Fade to hear what I’m saying now--listen, Gordo. Sarah and me is in love. Or are. Love, Gordoni, ha. You believe that? It’s a real thing. Momma said love was made up for TV shows so I always thought love was such a silly idea. But Sarah told me our first night on the tour bus. She said we’re in love. My golly does it feel good, Gord.
“She kissed me that night. Real soft she was. I think she knowed-knew sorry that I’d never had a kiss done to me before. Not that kind. I liked it a bunch. Gord above, I really liked it. Although I don’t really understand the point of kissing. Like it’s pretty fun but it’s kinda silly, you know? Like what’s the point of doing that really? It’s like she’s trying to give me something with her mouth but there’s nothing there to give. Except her tongue I mean. Her tongue and some of her, you know, spit and whatever. Gum. But it doesn’t feel too scary once you get into it. Like at first it was scary because my tummy was doing all these feelings. Jumping up and down and such. And Sarah closed her eyes but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to close my eyes or if I was supposed to keep them open so I could watch. Except there’s not much really to watch because when someone gets that close to your face with their face all you can really see is that one part of their face that’s in front of your eyes. And that’s pretty boring really. Pretty boring just, you know, looking at one--or two; both eyes--parts of a person’s face. Sarah’s face is pretty pretty though but so it’s fine I guess. Anyway I closed my eyes the next time she kissed me and I like that a lot better.
“So now we spend all our time kissing and being on the road in the tour bus. Mary Fade sings for us while she watches us kiss and Sarah kisses Mary Fade sometimes and Mary Fade kissed me one time so far but it wasn’t as nice as when Sarah does it, Gord. Just not as nice really.
“We’re stopped at another truck stop here in wherever this is. They’re all the same really. Just trucks and places to get waffles and make number ones and twos and a payphone. There’s payphones everywhere, Gordo. That’s a good thing because it means people must be always talking to each other. Isn’t that a nice thing, Gordo? It means everywhere there’s people there’s talking. Talking is the best kinda thing. I think. Sally and me wasn’t allowed to talk too much because momma said she’s drown us in the toilet if we talked about things. One time I tried talking to Mother Superior about things but Mother Superior just laughed and then the next time things happened that Sally and me wanted to talk about Mother Superior was watching through the window. I hate that bitch, Gord. I really hate her. You’re not supposed to hate church people but I surely do. Can’t hardly even think about how much I hate her because it makes me so scared. Hating people is real scary, Gord. Who do you hate I wonder? I don’t really know too much about you, Gordo. Sarah keeps asking me all about you. What you look like. Where you’re from. Just all kinds of questions all the time. I keep telling her I don’t know nothing. Except you got a real funny voice and maybe you live on the ocean and whatever. But she keeps asking anyway.
“OK, I think we gotta scoot now, Gord. Mary Fade is calling me from the bus. One of the wheels ain’t been turning right but I think it must be fine because nobody’s fixing it. I’ll call you.”
Mother Mary Hospital, August 6th 1972
“The cats be calling and this pussy be roaring. Leave it, sister.”
“Hi. Gordon, right? Yeah, this is Sarah. Hmm, she’s been bugging me to call you for like two freaking days, man. I don’t know what kinda weird situation’s going on with you two but you sure do seem to make her happy so...
“Listen, there’s been an accident. Everyone’s OK. Well, Mary Fade’s not OK. Her freaking head came off, actually. So not cool, man.
“One of the wheels came off the bus. Sorta like the nursery rhyme, I guess. Anyway, the wheel came off and then we went off the road and hit a telephone pole and Mary Fade wasn’t strapped in or nothing and, well, yeah.
“Molly wanted me to tell you she’s fine. But she’s not really fine, Gordon. She’s got a broken leg and a couple broken ribs and all kinds of bruises and...sorry. Jesus. Sorry, Gordon. Just give me a minute...
“She’s busted up pretty bad but the doctors say it’s nothing that won’t heal with a little rest. So I’m taking her to my pa’s place. It’s not too far from where we are now. My pa’s sick, so I gotta be there a bunch of the time anyway. Stomach cancer. Three months, they told us. Freaking hospitals, man.
“Say, I don’t suppose you could wire us some money, Gordon? Just a couple hundred bucks maybe, if you could? What with my dad and now Molly, I had to give up my job. I hated it anyway but a cheque’s a cheque when you’re flat on your ass, you dig? Just a couple hundred would keep us going a while. Molly had some money but she spent most of it on gas and she bought like a real expensive watch a while back.
“She’s a real wild one, Gordon. I mean, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that. You know her better than I do, all the talking you two been doing. Who are you anyhow? You her ain’t her pa, I know that much. She talks about her mother a lot. I can’t really understand a lot of it, though. Something about bathtubs or something, who knows? Said she’s got a sister, too. Couple years younger, I think. Damned if she’ll tell me where she’s from. Her hometown, you know? Of all the things to keep from a person, that sure is a strange one. I’ll take good care of her, Gordon. Don’t you worry. But a couple hundred bucks would really help. Just if you can, man.
“I don’t think Molly’s too pleased about having to rest up. She’s always looking at that freaking map. It’s torn to shit, you know? All taped together and syrup stains. She says she knows where you are, how to get to you, but there’s nothing on the map as far as I can see. Where do you even live, Gordon?
“We made love for the first time, couple nights before the accident. My God, Gordon. I mean wow! Molly won’t tell me how many others she’s been with. She won’t even tell me how old she really is. Her licence says 24 but there’s no way it’s real. The picture’s really good--that part works, so the cops probably wouldn’t give her too much hassle if she ever gets in a scrape. But the dates are all wrong. There’s just no way she’s that old. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s maybe 21. But even that’s pushing it. I don’t why she lies about it. It doesn’t matter to me, man. Good pussy’s good pussy. You know what I’m saying, G-man. Bet you do. Bet you got crazy bitches all over the world calling your ass. Leaving messages on your machine and all. Ha, you’re a freak, Gordon, I just know you are. I see why she likes you, baby.
“Pretty sad about Mary Fade. Great records. Amazing tits, too. I mean just fantastic. I think Molly was opening up to us having a three-way with Mary Fade, but I guess that idea’s out the window now, huh? Bet you woulda liked that, eh, G-man? You’ll be stroking that fat dick all night thinking about it, won’t you, you freaky little freak.
“You like books, Gordon? I stopped by the library to pick up a couple books for Molly. She is not well read at all, man. Can’t believe FSU accepted her. She is smart, though. In sort of a always being one step ahead kinda way, you know what I mean? Sometimes I get lost listening to what she’s saying. And it’s not just the reefer because Molly smokes that shit too and it never slows her down none. I think she’s just operating on a different level to the rest of us. It’s pretty sexy, really. I’ve met a bunch of smart people through Dr. Marie, but Molly runs rings around them all. Although, I’m not sure Molly really understands how books work, to be honest. Do you know this about her? She keeps asking why things are happening, like she can’t remember what happened freaking two pages ago even. You know, the plot details and everything? Why’s the dog’s fur that color? Why has the man been shot? It’s like she doesn’t even know what a story is. It’s very cute but--I don’t know--scary, maybe. There’s something scary about someone who can’t remember things. Dr. Marie says Molly is probably retarded. But Dr. Marie says that about lots of people. Anyone who’s not a hardcore femist, basically. Feminist, sorry.
“Alright, I’m out of quarters so I’m gonna get back to her now, Gordon. It was nice talking to you. Or whatever this is. Don’t forget about that money, though? Don’t forget, man. OK, bye, Gordon.”
Manny’s Farm, September 22nd 1972
“...BEEP.”
“Guess who, Gordo? That’s right. It’s me! I’m getting my cast off today, Gord. No more broken leg. Boy has it been hard only having one leg. I mean I had both of them still--it didn’t come off or nothing--but it’s been pretty useless this whole time. I can’t wait, Gord. Just cannot wait. These things are so itchy. Casts, you know? You ever break a bone, Gordo? I never broke a bone before. Sally broke her big toe one time because momma dropped a thing on it. A metal thing you iron clothes with. An iron I guess. Boy did Sally scream when that thing fell on her foot and broke her big toe. Just shattered that sucker. Momma wrapped it up with a popsicle stick and a piece of rag and some tape. Never looked right after that though.
“Doctors are cool people, Gord. I dig doctors. They just make people better is all. Ain’t that special? Imagine being able to do that. To make people better. Wow, Gordo. Or should I say G-man, ha? That’s what Sarah keeps calling you now. The G-man. She asked me if I know what a G-spot is and I said that’s probably just where the G-man lives and she laughed for like five whole minutes.
“Sarah’s been taking real good care of me while I’ve been sick. Not sick like that. Just busted up, you know? The ribs hurt worse than the leg by the way. Never would have guess that. Legs are so much bigger than ribs, right? She’s been reading to me because she got real pissed about all the questions I kept asking while I was reading. I don’t get it though, Gord. How do people keep all that stuff in their heads? All those words I mean. Anyway, Sarah reads them to me now. And she plays music. Real pretty music. Some lady singer. I would just love to see some music being done in real life. At one of them concerts or whatever. My golly that would be just fantastic, Gordo, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t that be swell?
“I seen a person die, Gord. Watched that. Sarah’s daddy got real sick while she was at her communism class and he was calling out for Jesus so I went into his room and I said to him hey it’s me. It’s Molly, pa. His real name is Manny but Sarah says to just call him pa because the drugs was making it so he couldn’t tell who was who. So I said to him it’s Molly, pa. I’m still using momma’s name because I can’t hardly remember my own and I already told that lie so best to just keep telling it. Lies are only lies once they get found out. Before that they’re just a different kind of true. So I started telling Sarah’s pa all about you, Gordo. I think he understood what I was saying to him because every time I said your name he would smile. But he still kept calling for Jesus like Jesus is just gonna come down and save him like that. Mother Superior said that’s not how Jesus works. You can’t just be asking him for stuff all the time. You gotta work that little butt for Jesus she would say. Work that thing, girl. And even when I was working it she would still keep saying it.
“Jesus didn’t come to Sarah’s pa, Gord. I told him as much. He was in terrible pain, you know? The tube in his tummy was full of all slime and awful stuff like that. Just awful. I never wanna see that again. What even was that stuff, Gord? All pink and black. Gross. I didn’t want Sarah’s pa--Manny, you know?--to think about it too much so I started telling him all about how I was gonna get to you, Gordo. How swell it’ll be when we get to you. Sarah and me. I feel like all these things are just to test us. Like you’ve been putting all these things in our way but only so we appreciate it more when we finally make it. And I don’t even mind none, Gordo. Really I don’t.
“Hey, guess what, Gordo? You won’t guess so I’ll just tell you. It’s my birthday today. That’s right. Yep. Well I guess it’s really momma’s birthday. But we’re so alike me and her that it’s pretty much the same thing. Maybe we was even born on the same day. Can’t really remember when my last birthday was. I think it might have been snowing but maybe that was just Christmas. Mother Superior didn’t come that day so maybe it was both actually. Sarah said she’s getting me a present. A present, Gordo. You believe that? And a cake too. Man I love cake. Love love love. Almost as much as I love Sarah. I think. Cake is great because it’s bad for your teeth but you can only eat so much before you get sick so it sorta like balances itself out. Nature’s so cool like that. I dig nature.
“Anyway, Sarah’s pa started shaking real bad and this sorta goo started coming out of his mouth and so I wiped it off with just a rag, you know? And then he stopped doing it as much so I think I was helping him. It’s hard to know if you’re helping someone when they can’t tell you what they think. Sarah’s pa couldn’t hardly speak near the end. Just kept calling for Jesus is all.
“I held his hand for a while and that made him quiet down some. I think he liked that I was there with him. At one point I told him I was Jesus come to save him but Sarah’s pa just looked confused.
“I never saw anyone die before that, Gord. It’s pretty scary. Real scary actually. Not for them--the one who’s dying, you know? Not so much...because all they really gotta do is lay there and die. But for those what’s gotta watch that. Man. That’s scary alright. I don’t ever wanna see that again.
“In the end he looked like he was in too much pain so I gave him a bunch of his pills. Maybe five or like twenty. Not sure really. It’s not like there’s time to count when someone’s dying on you. I crushed them up so he wouldn’t have too much trouble swallowing. Didn’t want the poor guy choking on me. He stopped asking for Jesus after that and just died. Stopped moving and, you know, breathing and all.
“Sarah came back a while later. I told her what happened and she didn’t believe me so she ran into her pa’s room and then she saw it was true. I wasn’t lying. She’s been in there with him for like two hours. I can hear her crying real loud but I don’t think that will wake him up or nothing. He’s gone. Just gone.
“Sarah left my present and my cake on the table in the kitchen. The cake was the kind with different colors inside. Different colored layers. I had some but Sarah said she didn’t want any.
“The present was a big wiener. Big rubber guy just sitting there on the table. It looks awful sad really. I accidentally looked at Sarah’s pa’s wiener while I was trying to empty his bag but it didn’t look nothing like my present.
“I don’t wanna die, Gord. So I decided that I’m just not gonna die. People only die when they stop living. I think. And I’ll never stop living, Gordo. At least not until I get to you. And even then I don’t expect I’ll stop. Living is too good to just give up. If I’m gonna die, Gord, someone’s gonna have to kill me. I expect.
“Sarah’s calling me, Gord. Gotta run. Love you.”