Frontispiecemeal / Relative Bearing

More rejected flash nonsense.

Frontispiecemeal

It doesn’t take much to chew through a telephone-wire, providing one’s teeth are mostly where they ought to be. The plastic casing takes some gnawing, sure—but a little pressure and perseverance is all it takes to strip away the outer layer (and the reason they don’t make it harder is because they—the people who design telephone wires [yeah, they exist!]—are dullards. Stiffs like that sleep easier believing no-one will ever test their schematics. The arrogance).

One must be careful, of course, to disconnect the wire, if possible, from the electrical supply. For this reason, and if you have them, do bring with you a pair of decent-quality telephone-wire cutters on your telephone-wire chewing excursions. Otherwise, if you haven’t access to wire cutters, we strongly advise you wear the thickest pair of Wellington boots at your disposal.

Once you’ve peeled away the rubbery sheath, clamp your front incisors down into the copper fibres. Now make a lateral sawing motion—this will fray the metal like a thread of yarn and, eventually, the cable will ping apart.

IMPORTANT: the sensation of exposed telephone-wire grazing against certain kinds of dental filling (gold; silver amalgam) is particularly unpleasant. Consult your dental health provider if you have any concerns.

Finally, if you begin to hear a dial tone inside your mouth, hang up immediately.

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Relative Bearing

𝄆My¹ father’s² best-friend’s³ uncle’s⁴ ex-wife’s⁵ lawyer’s⁶ step-daughter’s⁷ dog’s⁸ legs fell off last night at the ripe old age of fourteen.

“You don’t normally get much more then[sic] twelve years out of this bread[sic]”, her₈ vet’s⁹ assistant’s⁺ text-message¹¹ informed her₇—its₁₁ typographical errors owing, in equal part, to her₊ stenographic acumen and her₉ monological ineptitude.

He₆ was livid, of course. Even threatened to sue⁼ her₅ for animal cruelty. Pointless though, that₌—she’s₅ only recently declared bankruptcy, you⁰ see. Things are so rough for her₅, in fact, she’s₅ had to move in with him₄. And his₄ place is no palace, especially with him₃ lodging in the loft conversion—scruffy git₃.

I₁ swear, when he₂ told me₁ all that𝄇 this morning…well, my₁ head was spinning, like. Family!∞